Posts Tagged ‘weight gain’

Weigh-In #001 – January 3, 2014

It has been a while since I’ve blogged.

Things are still going well in my life, but it has been a hectic few months.  I’ve been sick for about three of the last four months.  Nothing serious, just ickiness.  Because of my (mild) hemophilia, I have a slightly compromised immune system.  Because I have a 15 month old son in daycare, he brings home every little illness that goes through there.  Combine the two, and you get a consistently sick Daddy. 

I had a tremendously busy fall semester, teaching an overload class.  Spring is always nicer and a bit slower.

In fact, this spring, I’m taking on a new challenge.  I start working on my doctorate next month!  Holy cow!  I’m pursuing a doctoral degree in postsecondary leadership at Western Kentucky University.  I obviously have no idea what my ultimate dissertation topic will be, but if I had to pick right now, it would be something related to international education.  I also graduated this past December with my second Master’s degree, a Masters of Science in Library Media Education with an emphasis in educational technology.  I have a 470 page capstone project completed if anyone would like to read it.

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

That’s cool.  But I digress.

My professional and educational life is moving along swimmingly.

My health has taken a nose dive.  I blame no one but myself.  I’m not going to gnash my teeth and tear at my hair (what little is left) and lament, “But I did everything right!  How did this happen?!”

I’ve done nothing right.  I know how it happened.

I haven’t worked out since early fall.  I went to the gym a few days ago, got thirty minutes in on the elliptical, and I left EXHAUSTED.  I have lost pretty much all of the fitness I once had.

That’s not the part that bums me out the most, though.

I’ve gained every single pound back that I lost a few years ago, and I’ve gained ten pounds more.

402.8 is no longer my highest weight.  It is now 412.0.  I have at least gotten back on the horse and lost some weight from that number, so I’ve got that going for me, I guess.

But regardless, that horrifies me.  When I first started losing weight and got into the 300s (back in 2004), I swore it would NEVER be that high again.  When I got into the 200s, I swore it would never creep past 300 again.

If you had told 26 year old me that I would meet the girl of my dreams, start my family, have a wonderfully healthy son, AND get up over 400 pounds again, I would have told you you were crazy.

And yet, here we are.

I know what to do.  I know how to lose weight.  I just have to do it.

I’m thinking very seriously of taking down my old blog posts, but we’ll see.  It just feels weird having four years of history here and it all just lead up to me being fatter than ever right now.

But I’m not giving up the blog, and I am going to resume my Friday weigh-ins.

I feel like the ultimate cliché.  Fat guy, starting a blog in a new year.  But it is what it is.

This blog was supposed to keep me accountable, and I’m going to bring it out of storage and start using it again.  Every Friday I will post a weigh-in.  I am going to measure myself every weekend and post that in a separate post, and if I’m feeling super ambitious, there will be another post somewhere in the week about something else.

  • Weigh-in #001
  • January 3, 2014
  • Weight: 407.0
  • Change from Highest: –5.0 pounds

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Atelophobia

This is the rawest, truest post I’ve ever written. Be warned.

atelophobia

I keep things positive here, mostly, but it’s usually not hard. I’m a positive person. It’s my natural inclination. I am, without trying, a rosey-glasses/half-glass-full optimist. But as this post proves, I have my days. And weeks.

I don’t suffer from depression. I’ve read posts from people who do, and I’m thankful that I do not have that cross to bear.

I do suffer from ED. (Eating disorder, not erectile dysfunction.) Specifically, I am a binge eater. I have been for decades. I thought I had it beat.

I was wrong.

This is a hard blog post for me to write. I’ve started this post several times over the last several weeks, and I haven’t been able to finish. But I have to.

It’s not that writing the blog post is that important. I have maybe five readers. It’s that I have to get this out. I could just as easily write this on a sheet of paper and burn it. I need the catharsis.

I’m a failure.

Not even a month ago, on April 24th, I wrote that I weighed 362.0 pounds, but I was going to get on track! I’m going to do this! For my wife and baby!

And I haven’t. That means I have failed. For them.

My weight is up. Way up. I’ve been mildly binging.

No, it’s not the days of six Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on the commute home from school, but it’s still bad. Whether I’m gorging myself to feel something or simply eating food to delay the inevitable, it’s binging and it’s dangerous.

We just got back from vacation. I weighed myself this morning.

387.4.

My highest weight ever was 402.8. My lowest weight ever (as an adult) was 249.0.

Wow. That’s all I can say about that at the moment.

I’ve done enough therapy work (both on myself and with others) to know that, for me to stop this, I had to know why. For the past two years, I haven’t really known. And then, while mowing the yard yesterday, it hit me.

I suspect that losing weight won’t make my life perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong – my life is pretty awesome. Love my wife, love my son, love my career… But even yet… I still expect things to get better. I expect a better sex life (TMI, but true), I honestly expect my career in academia to get better, and I expect to become a personal trainer (side business) with a booming clientele.

And what if I lose weight, all the way down to goal weight, and that doesn’t happen? Then I’ve failed.

It’s the same thing that kept me fat pre-Tina. I was fat because it kept me from dealing with the ramifications of being alone and unloved. Well, with the help of a therapist and friend, I got past that issue, met Tina, and I started my family. So that excuse is gone. And I’ve gone off and manufactured another one.

So what if I’m not good enough?

What if I had my exact life, right now, except I was at a healthy weight? If that, then I would be one of the luckiest people in the world.

I’m not going to try. I know words are cheap, but when you hit rock bottom (again), well… nowhere to go but up, right?

I was tempted to delete this blog, get a new address, and start over. But I’m not. I’m still on my Stellar Path. I just sat in the gutter beside it for a while. I’m back on.

I need a game plan. It’s early on Saturday morning. My family is still asleep. I’m about to shower, go into Weight Watchers, and weigh in. I’ll face the scale – even if I’m not going to like what it says.

I will do this. In the past, I would have included a picture of little guy and said I’m going to do it for him. And while that’s true, he’s not the #1 reason I’m doing this.

This guy is.

IMAG0316

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Christmas 2012 Weigh-In

Oh goodness. What a rocky few weeks it has been.

One piece of advice – if you are trying to lose weight, never try to juggle a newborn, moving into a new house, completing finals (both the ones you are giving AND the ones you are taking), during the holiday season.

I gained.

I didn’t gain as bad as I had feared.

But I gained.

Are those all excuses? Yep. I certainly could have tried harder and accomplished some weight loss goals.

I did not. I’m not dwelling, because it doesn’t impact my worth as a person.

I expected to be in the 380s. Instead, I just got close to the 380s.

December 22, 2012
Weight: 378.0
Change from Highest: -24.8 pounds

I am not a super happy camper about this, but it is what it is, and I cannot change it now. I can only change it moving forward, and that is what I fully intend to do.

I’m (allegedly) going to take a weekly photo after my weigh-in on Saturdays. I’ll admit – I just now decided to do this, so this photo is actually from Christmas night, but I think it might be nice to have a visual record of my changes.

021

(I’m also not as grumpy as I look in that photo, I promise. Still, it’ll be interesting to see if my smile changes as I lose weight, too.)

I also had a little food breakthrough today.

We have a new little one in the house for Christmas, so we’re both establishing new traditions and upholding old ones. Not surprisingly, a lot of the traditions (especially the old ones) revolve around food.

We started some new ones this year that aren’t food related. We’re going to get Moon Pie a lego set, at least one book every Christmas, and one geeky science gift (this year, Periodic table wooden blocks).

009

012

013

I also am going to abolish one old food tradition.

Do you know what little smokies are? They are basically little sausages that are cooked in a mixture of honey, brown sugar, and mustard. If you had asked me three days ago, I would have said they are sinfully delicious.

I made them today.

They were fatty and disgusting. I’m not being all “I only eat healthy food so fatty food is gross.” No, fattening food can be awesome. The sausage gravy I made for breakfast this morning was incredible.

But these… I ate maybe five, and we’re throwing away the rest.

lilsmokies

Even the picture looks gross to me now. Ugh.

I’ve had little smokies at every Christmas for the past twenty years. This tradition is being retired.

Oh, and in blog news, I’ve recently installed Disqus. I’m hoping it’ll make it easier for me to reply to comments and be a better blogger. Please let me know if there are any issues!

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Apocalypse and Moving

December 21, 2012

Worst… apocalypse… ever…

Let’s move on to other info.

So, it’s been almost a month since I posted. The last thing I talked about was Moon Pie’s Two Month Update. His Three Month Update is tomorrow.

Where the heck have I been?

I’ve been doing four things.

1. Recovering from a fairly nasty stomach virus.
2. Recovering from a fairly mild head cold. (My wife also has it, but apparently, mine must be worse because men are huge whiners.)
3. Horribly falling off of the Weight Watchers “diet.”
4. Moving into a new house.

On November 29th, my wife and I closed on our new home. We are in the process of getting our old house ready to be sold, and we’ve moved ALMOST everything we own into this new house. Obviously, we are not done.

I am a pre-Thanksgiving Christmas decorator. That’s just what I do. The weekend before Thanksgiving, the tree goes up.

Except this year. We finished putting decorations on it yesterday. So basically, from my perspective, the Christmas season just started.

The part of this list I am most upset with myself about is #3.

In the midst of moving, I have completely let my healthy eating and activity plan go off track.

I haven’t REALLY exercised (beyond moving furniture) since November. We ate a LOT of fast food. I haven’t stepped foot on a scale, but I know I’ve gained.

I’m expecting upwards of twenty pounds gain, honestly. At least.

Unacceptable, but it happened, and I’m not beating myself up over it any more than I already have. It’s just time to get back on the bandwagon.

Old Jeremy would have waited until January 1st. Not this Jeremy. He’s going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow.

It is what it is. I’m SORELY tempted to hit it hard, stay in hiding, and come back out in January with a new set of resolutions and alleged transparency. But that’s not who I am anymore. This blog is supposed to show me, warts and all, and hiding won’t do it.

I weighed in the 360s last time I was at Weight Watchers. Tomorrow, when I go into my meeting, I’ll get my new WW360 weigh-in booklet, I suspect I’ll weigh in in the 380s, and I’ll post a picture on this blog. Every week, I’ll post my WW results.

I am capable of doing so much more than I am doing. No more platitudes. Just time.

And no more moving, either. Moving really does suck.

New houses are cool, though.

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Week #1 Weigh-In

Tina and I both still have our birth stories to write about Moon Pie’s entry into our family. Those will be coming soon, but for today, I wanted to share my weight.

I am presenting my weight without judgment. In the weeks leading up to his birth and the two weeks AFTER his birth, my eating and exercise plans went straight out the window. Some aspects of his birth were a bit stressful, and I found myself eating for comfort on a few occasions. And after he was born and I found myself sleep deprived, I ended up eating a bit more than I might have otherwise.

So it’s not pretty. The weight is up. But it is what it is, and I’ve got this handsome little face to encourage me to keep losing weight. After all, I have to make sure I’m around long enough to take care of him.

Week #1
Date: October 6, 2012
Weight: 368.2
Change from Highest: -34.6 pounds

Weight is definitely up. A bunch. As in twentyish pounds over the last two months.

I often feel like a weight loss blogger failure, because my weight is all over the place. And yet, even though I have dabbled in it, I can’t make the shift away to just a fitness blogger, because I HAVE to lose weight, not just increase my fitness. I’m rebranding my weight loss to Week #1.

I have to get this ship going in the right direction.

I’m working on it, from a mental health standpoint.

Have I ever shared here that I used to work in mental health? I’ve got a degree in Psychology, more professional development trainings in counseling and mental health than I can count, and yet… when it comes to losing weight myself… I’m often a bit of a train wreck. Well, no longer. I am going to use the strategies that I have used with my clients in the past on myself.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I have to do this, because it’s not just about me anymore.

I have a family I have to protect.

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Randomness

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Weigh-Ins
12-31-13 - 412.0
1-3-14 - 407.0 (-5.0 pounds total)