My Reason #2 – The Vanity Fantasy

Part of the reason that I blog is because I have words stuck in my head that I want to get out. It’s the same reason that I write. I’ve been a writer since I was probably 8 years old. For a lot of years, the protagonist in my short stories and novels were a lot like me.

They were the me that I wanted to be.

They were always roughly whatever age I was when I was writing, they were always fit, and they usually had a girlfriend. They weren’t the point of the story. It would just always be a healthier version of me who had been abducted by aliens or fighting ghosts or trying to save a magical world with newfound magical powers and fighting skills.

Now as I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed my protagonists. In fact, in the novel I am working on currently, my protagonist is a 15 year old girl. In a short story that I go back to from time to time, it’s an old black man. The protagonist is no longer me.

Well, at least physically. I believe every author puts some of themselves in their main characters, but that’s not the point.

The point is that I have always had a very certain look I wanted to achieve.

That look was muscular. Fit. Healthy. And happy.

I’ve accomplished the happy part. I just need to work on the others.

There are days when sheer vanity is what drives my workouts. I literally dream about the day that I can pay thousands of dollars for abdominoplasty. I know it will be necessary. It might even be necessary for health, because I am still almost 200 pounds overweight. That much excess skin could lead to infections and chafing and other problems that, while far less severe than weight related issues, still won’t be desirable.

So even though I’ll have a few scars on my midsection (I’ve heard good plastic surgeons can hide those scars in your pubic region where they’ll be hidden by underwear), I know what I ultimately want to look like.

I don’t know what the future holds. I know I might get to goal weight and a six pack of abs just isn’t in my genetics. And if that happens, I’ll redefine and still be happy.

But for now, almost 200 pounds away (188, to be exact), I can dream about what I will look like. I can fantasize about a rippled midsection (with muscles, not fat – I’ve already got that one), a chiseled back, and 19 inch arms that aren’t flabby but are solid muscle.

Is it realistic?

Dunno. I know most people don’t look like that.

Is it doable?

Yep. Some people do look like that, and I know they put a lot of work into it.

Will I do it?


I will someday have the physique of a men’s fitness model. That is a big bold claim, especially from someone who spent over a year in the 370s. I realize that.

But the idea of being that fit, of being discovered and getting on the cover of Men’s Health (don’t laugh – this is my fantasy), of looking down at my abdomen and seeing only muscle… that’s what drives me at times.

Health, fitness, longevity… Those are all great things, and I want them to.

But some days, I just want to be hot.

This afternoon, as I get my workout in, if I feel tired in the midst, I’ll think of taking off my shirt on the set of a photoshoot and knowing that they’ll only need to photoshop out some scars… that’s what will lead me to finish. That’s why I packed a carrot to go with my lunch instead of a brownie.

Am I alone? Am I the only one driven by vanity? Even if I am, that’s okay with me, but I bet I’m not. What’s your vanity fantasy?

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12-31-13 - 412.0
1-3-14 - 407.0 (-5.0 pounds total)