Am I afraid to be thin?
This was a question that recently came up for me in a journaling exercise. I shared it on facebook, got some feedback from a few friends, and basically, the answer, of course, is going to lie somewhere within me, not externally.
So, am I?
I think the answer is obviously yes. I’ve still got some more things to work through.
In a very brief nutshell, this is one of the steps I am using to come to terms with my various issues relating to my body image and my issues with food. I write. It’s almost stream of consciousness. I just put pen to paper and write until I don’t have anything else to write.
Sometimes it’s creative. I create fictional characters and give them my voice.
Sometimes it’s pure internal thought. I start off with what I would say aloud if I were asked my question, and I just let my thought process take me where it will.
I’m still working on it. But I am afraid to be thin. Yet I want to be thin (but not really, if I’m afraid of it). I’ll share as I come to terms with my various issues.
Now, on to the good news…
Another successful weigh-in! (I did not have a weigh-in last week, as I had to miss Weight Watchers. So this one DOES cover two weeks, not one.)
I’d like the number to be higher. That’s another thing I’m working on – being content with my weight loss, whatever it is.
I’m also going to lose weight this week. Even with Thanksgiving around the corner. I plan to lose big. I’ll post on Saturday.
November 17, 2012
Change from Last Two Weeks: -2.0 pounds
Change from Highest: -40.6 pounds
One pound a week. Slow but sustainable. I guess I shouldn’t complain.
I’m okay with the number on the scale. It’s going slow, but it’s going down. I’m still fine tuning my diet, and even though it is VERY slow going, I really do feel confident that I’m going to discover the magic number of points for me to eat to accelerate up to two pounds a week, consistently.
Date: November 3, 2012
Change from Last Week: -0.8 pounds
Change from Highest: -38.6 pounds
I’m feeling stronger literally every day. I now take the stairs at work. The elevator is a distant memory. It’s a nice feeling.
While I’m not quite strong enough to progress with Body Revolution, I did like the idea that I knew, every day, what I was doing. As a result, I made up my own exercise calendar for November. I even built in a few rest days. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to both just cross off my workout for the day AND not have to decide what I’m in the mood for. I just look at the calendar, see what I scheduled, and do it.
So why is this a surprisingly hard post for me to write?
On October 30th, I got a package in the mail. It’s a weight loss reward. When I get below a certain number, then I get to “keep” it. The package in question was a Blue Power Ranger Hoodie. Don’t judge; it’s awesome.
As a special treat, the manufacturers included a Blue Power Ranger T-Shirt, for free. It was sized the same as the hoodie, 2X.
I typically wear a 3X shirt, but sometimes, 2X fits.
I had the great idea to take a picture of myself wearing the shirt for a once-monthly visual representation of my weight loss. I want to see how my body changes as it gets smaller.
What I wasn’t expecting was the intense reaction from seeing my body in an unflattering, too-small t-shirt from three different angles.
I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy for a while.
And then, I relied on some of the various coping strategies that I’ve fostered, several of which I’ve literally developed and created in the last few months.
And I came to terms with it. This is my body. This is what it looks like.
This body is strong. This body carries me through the day. I’ve done a lot of damage to this body, and it still keeps me going. I’m taking care of this body now. Soon, my outer person will match my inner strength.
Best of all, this body helped my wife and I create the best thing that ever happened to us.
But for now, I post this picture without hesitation. This is who I am, unflattering angles, lopsided belly, male muffin top, and all.
Because I am so much more than my body.
And I’m now realizing I should have renamed this post. This wasn’t that hard to post after all. Thanks for reading.
I weigh in on Saturdays at Weight Watchers. I had planned to consistently post my weigh-in each Wednesday.
Well, that hasn’y happened, so I’m just going to say that I plan to weigh in SOMETIME during the week. And because I missed last week, I owe you two weigh-ins this week.
Date: October 20, 2012
Change from Last Week: -1.0 pounds
Change from Highest: -36.6 pounds
Date: October 27, 2012
Change from Last Week: -1.2 pounds
Change from Highest: -37.8 pounds
Is a pound a week game changing?
Is it sustainable? Am I losing weight?
So therefore, I’ll take it. I AM about to start chiseling away at my points. I’m being MUCH more careful with my fruits, but I’m probably still take in too many calories. I’m going to shave two points off per day next week and see if it makes a difference.
Part of it may be (seriously) that I’ve put on a touch of muscle with Body Revolution. I’ve definitely toned up. I can feel more strength in my legs, and I can feel a big change in my biceps (underneath the fat that coats them).
I write this, having finished Weeks 1 and 2 of Body Revolution, and I have a big change to my workout that I must make.
The first two weeks started off tough but doable. By the end of week two, they were, dare I say it, easy.
That said, I tried Workout #3, and I had to make so many modifications, I am not comfortable progressing.
I am not throwing in the towel, but I am also not proceeding with her schedule. And yet, workouts 1 and 2 are now a bit too easy for me. So, my game plan?
I’m going to do them each once a week at a higher intensity (all challenging moves, heavier weights, et cetera), and I am going to do two body weight workouts on my own. I like the progress I am making and I want to keep moving forward, but my body needs more than Workouts 1 and 2 but it isn’t ready yet for Workouts 3 and 4.
It sucks. I wish I was more fit. But I’m not quitting. I’m just going more slowly than some people.
One aspect of Body Revolution that I do get to keep doing for two more weeks?
Holy crap. Jillian Michaels is an evil monster (and I love her for it).
This is truthfully the hardest 30 minutes of cardio I have EVER done.
I’ll be honest; it’s a little boring. But it is NOT easy.
Especially suicides. If that didn’t send my psyche screaming back to 8th grade PE, nothing will.
The class I was taking is now over, (got an A! I am so smart!), while the class I am teaching has three weeks to go. The book I was helping write with some colleagues earlier is currently sitting patiently, awaiting the next round of revisions (and a bit more writing). I have a stack of papers that need to be graded asap. And my muse has me working on my young adult novel, which although I do not have a publisher or agent or…. Heck, even a title, at this point, I still plan to finish. After all, we’re about six weeks away from Tina’s due date, and I know I’ve got an audience in Moon Pie even if I’m never published.
I have lost my blogging mojo, and I think I know why. I have too many other things to write, and I’m afraid this blog, my wonderful hobby which I’m still not officially giving up, has slipped down the ladder of priorities.
Things are busy. I’m still going to Weight Watchers, even though I have yet again abandoned points and have gone to just simply counting calories. Why am I going to Weight Watchers if I’m not following Weight Watchers? Two reasons. One, I like the weekly accountability of a weigh-in. Two, even if I don’t count points, I still feel like Weight Watchers is a good program that emphasizes (somewhat) healthy eating. (Granted, I don’t like WW food, but my leader doesn’t push it on us at all.) And three, I’m going to support my mom.
My mother is doing amazingly on Weight Watchers. She’s already earned her 5%.
And I’ve made a big decision. I may regret it later, but for the next few months, I’m doing this.
I’m not weighing in anymore on the blog. I’ll mention my milestones here, but that’s it. I actually felt stressed out at my last meeting, where I had a significant gain, at the prospect of coming on here and sharing that number. I felt like a failure.
I wasn’t a failure. I’m not a failure.
And until I can work through my scale issues, I’m not weighing in on the blog. I think I’ll post a weekly picture instead, so next week, you’ll see me (fully clothed – I’m not comfortable enough to join the Exposed movement just yet). I feel like my appearance is a better indicator of my weight loss anyway.
Some people might say that if I’m uncomfortable about posting numbers, that’s all the more reason to do it. Maybe, but I’m working through this at my speed, and right now, this is what I feel is best for me.
I’m going to the very strict calories in/calories out formula.
I’ve calculated my BMR at roughly 3300 calories.
I’m shooting for a daily target of 1800 to 2300 calories. This SHOULD equal two to three pounds of weight loss a week.
I sometimes look back over this blog with shame. When I started blogging, I weighed around 330. What good has the last few years done me?
But thoughts like that do me no good. I’m not dead yet, so there’s still time to fix the big picture.
Another week, another successful weigh-in!
June 23, 2012
Change from Last Week: -1.8 pounds
Change from Highest: -48.6 pounds
Next week, I hope to crush the 50 pounds target. Granted, that’s from my highest weight, but still… it’s crazy to think how tired I would be if I walked around with a fifty pound weight on my back all the time.
I want to see if there are some simple things I can do to accelerate fat loss. I’ve heard some people say that if you cut out starchy carbs after mid-afternoon, that can speed it up. I want to do this one for two reasons.
One, I need to eat WAY more vegetables. I just don’t like vegetables, but I’m about to be a dad and I have to be a good role model, so… more veggies it is. Last night for dinner, we had tenderloin, creamed spinach, and tomatoes. It tasted good and it had to have been good for my body.
And two, my joints are starting to ache a little bit again, and I’m wondering if I’m going too whole-hog on the grains front. I’m going to limit them again and see if it helps. I’m still having nerve pain flare ups which I am blaming on the aspartame withdrawal symptoms, and that leads me to believe that it may be affecting my joints, too. Regardless, eating more vegetables will be good for me, no matter what the end result is.
Oh, and perhaps most importantly – this is something I am going to do “in general.” I’m not going to give myself any hard and fast rules. I’ll still enjoy the occasional slice (or two) of pizza and we’ll still have spaghetti on occasion. I’m just saying that I’m going to limit my dinner-time starches, not remove them completely.
Let’s see how it goes.
And as I’ve mentioned, my mother is doing Weight Watchers with me. I’m very proud of her, because she is crushing me! We’re not competing, and it’s a good thing, because if we were, I’d have already been left in the dust. She’s lost over ten pounds in the last three weeks!