Weight Gain

Returning tomorrow!

I, frankly, have missed blogging.  Stellar Path is reopening tomorrow with a weigh-in.  All of my old archives will remain; I’m just pledging to blog here at least once a week.

Surprisingly, however, I have been vlogging.  In fact, I have vlogged every day since June 1st.  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t have a big audience.  In fact, some most of my videos have only been viewed once.  But just like with blogging, my vlogging is mostly for me.

My vlogging is called The Ranger Project, and you can access my videos on my YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/user/JeremyRay45.  In the coming month, I plan to make a Ranger Project page here at Stellar Path, wherein I describe my videos, arrange them by type, and so forth.

Hope to see you tomorrow!

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Weigh-In #001 – January 3, 2014

It has been a while since I’ve blogged.

Things are still going well in my life, but it has been a hectic few months.  I’ve been sick for about three of the last four months.  Nothing serious, just ickiness.  Because of my (mild) hemophilia, I have a slightly compromised immune system.  Because I have a 15 month old son in daycare, he brings home every little illness that goes through there.  Combine the two, and you get a consistently sick Daddy. 

I had a tremendously busy fall semester, teaching an overload class.  Spring is always nicer and a bit slower.

In fact, this spring, I’m taking on a new challenge.  I start working on my doctorate next month!  Holy cow!  I’m pursuing a doctoral degree in postsecondary leadership at Western Kentucky University.  I obviously have no idea what my ultimate dissertation topic will be, but if I had to pick right now, it would be something related to international education.  I also graduated this past December with my second Master’s degree, a Masters of Science in Library Media Education with an emphasis in educational technology.  I have a 470 page capstone project completed if anyone would like to read it.

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

That’s cool.  But I digress.

My professional and educational life is moving along swimmingly.

My health has taken a nose dive.  I blame no one but myself.  I’m not going to gnash my teeth and tear at my hair (what little is left) and lament, “But I did everything right!  How did this happen?!”

I’ve done nothing right.  I know how it happened.

I haven’t worked out since early fall.  I went to the gym a few days ago, got thirty minutes in on the elliptical, and I left EXHAUSTED.  I have lost pretty much all of the fitness I once had.

That’s not the part that bums me out the most, though.

I’ve gained every single pound back that I lost a few years ago, and I’ve gained ten pounds more.

402.8 is no longer my highest weight.  It is now 412.0.  I have at least gotten back on the horse and lost some weight from that number, so I’ve got that going for me, I guess.

But regardless, that horrifies me.  When I first started losing weight and got into the 300s (back in 2004), I swore it would NEVER be that high again.  When I got into the 200s, I swore it would never creep past 300 again.

If you had told 26 year old me that I would meet the girl of my dreams, start my family, have a wonderfully healthy son, AND get up over 400 pounds again, I would have told you you were crazy.

And yet, here we are.

I know what to do.  I know how to lose weight.  I just have to do it.

I’m thinking very seriously of taking down my old blog posts, but we’ll see.  It just feels weird having four years of history here and it all just lead up to me being fatter than ever right now.

But I’m not giving up the blog, and I am going to resume my Friday weigh-ins.

I feel like the ultimate cliché.  Fat guy, starting a blog in a new year.  But it is what it is.

This blog was supposed to keep me accountable, and I’m going to bring it out of storage and start using it again.  Every Friday I will post a weigh-in.  I am going to measure myself every weekend and post that in a separate post, and if I’m feeling super ambitious, there will be another post somewhere in the week about something else.

  • Weigh-in #001
  • January 3, 2014
  • Weight: 407.0
  • Change from Highest: –5.0 pounds

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Atelophobia

This is the rawest, truest post I’ve ever written. Be warned.

atelophobia

I keep things positive here, mostly, but it’s usually not hard. I’m a positive person. It’s my natural inclination. I am, without trying, a rosey-glasses/half-glass-full optimist. But as this post proves, I have my days. And weeks.

I don’t suffer from depression. I’ve read posts from people who do, and I’m thankful that I do not have that cross to bear.

I do suffer from ED. (Eating disorder, not erectile dysfunction.) Specifically, I am a binge eater. I have been for decades. I thought I had it beat.

I was wrong.

This is a hard blog post for me to write. I’ve started this post several times over the last several weeks, and I haven’t been able to finish. But I have to.

It’s not that writing the blog post is that important. I have maybe five readers. It’s that I have to get this out. I could just as easily write this on a sheet of paper and burn it. I need the catharsis.

I’m a failure.

Not even a month ago, on April 24th, I wrote that I weighed 362.0 pounds, but I was going to get on track! I’m going to do this! For my wife and baby!

And I haven’t. That means I have failed. For them.

My weight is up. Way up. I’ve been mildly binging.

No, it’s not the days of six Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on the commute home from school, but it’s still bad. Whether I’m gorging myself to feel something or simply eating food to delay the inevitable, it’s binging and it’s dangerous.

We just got back from vacation. I weighed myself this morning.

387.4.

My highest weight ever was 402.8. My lowest weight ever (as an adult) was 249.0.

Wow. That’s all I can say about that at the moment.

I’ve done enough therapy work (both on myself and with others) to know that, for me to stop this, I had to know why. For the past two years, I haven’t really known. And then, while mowing the yard yesterday, it hit me.

I suspect that losing weight won’t make my life perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong – my life is pretty awesome. Love my wife, love my son, love my career… But even yet… I still expect things to get better. I expect a better sex life (TMI, but true), I honestly expect my career in academia to get better, and I expect to become a personal trainer (side business) with a booming clientele.

And what if I lose weight, all the way down to goal weight, and that doesn’t happen? Then I’ve failed.

It’s the same thing that kept me fat pre-Tina. I was fat because it kept me from dealing with the ramifications of being alone and unloved. Well, with the help of a therapist and friend, I got past that issue, met Tina, and I started my family. So that excuse is gone. And I’ve gone off and manufactured another one.

So what if I’m not good enough?

What if I had my exact life, right now, except I was at a healthy weight? If that, then I would be one of the luckiest people in the world.

I’m not going to try. I know words are cheap, but when you hit rock bottom (again), well… nowhere to go but up, right?

I was tempted to delete this blog, get a new address, and start over. But I’m not. I’m still on my Stellar Path. I just sat in the gutter beside it for a while. I’m back on.

I need a game plan. It’s early on Saturday morning. My family is still asleep. I’m about to shower, go into Weight Watchers, and weigh in. I’ll face the scale – even if I’m not going to like what it says.

I will do this. In the past, I would have included a picture of little guy and said I’m going to do it for him. And while that’s true, he’s not the #1 reason I’m doing this.

This guy is.

IMAG0316

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Day by Day #001, April 23rd

It took me a while, but I’m on track.

Not gonna lie. I’ve been struggling. I always feel the need to say, “with my eating” and “not my life,” because my life is awesome. Great wife, awesome kid, good house, wonderful job. Life is great.

My eating plan… Meh. It comes and goes.

On a bad day, this is what my day looks like.

Breakfast is healthy! Off to a great start!
Lunch is also healthy (because I packed it at home)! Still doing good.
Long day of teaching. Tired.
Forgot to thaw out something for dinner. Eh, let’s hit the drive-thru. Tomorrow will be better.

I have to stop this, for so many reasons. One, my wife is trying to lose weight, too, and I am clearly her stumbling block. Two, I want to be a personal trainer. No one is hiring a fat personal trainer. And three… this little guy. I don’t want him to have a fat daddy.

moonpie7months

But words are cheap. I’ve spun them before, and I’ve continued making slow progress.

My weight yesterday? 362.0.

Up a bit. Still down from the first of the year, but up from my lowest in the 350s.

I tracked my food yesterday. I only ate four meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a small after-work pre-workout snack). I exercised, albeit lightly. (Just a walk – I’m doing more tonight.)

All of this was clean. No chemicals, just real food.

Breakfast – lean sausage, 1 slice of bacon, 2 eggs, homemade hash browns

Lunch – ground turkey taco meat, quinoa, cheese, sour cream, salsa, baked potato, 3 clementines, baby carrots & zima tomatoes with hummus

After-work snack – cereal with milk

Dinner – ground turkey meatloaf, sweet potato fries, 1 clean cookie with raw milk

I also drank a crap ton of water. Seriously. Plant Nanny says I need to drink 233 ounces a day. So I did. I will be lowering my Plant Nanny requirements. That was so much water, I felt like crap. I’m going to drink for thirst and shoot for roughly a gallon a day. Ish. Ugh, I was too bloated last night. And I peed roughly eighteen times between ten p.m. and six a.m.

For the next week, I am posting every day, my food, weight, and exercise.

After all, I can’t look like Ryan Reynolds if I don’t put in the work.

ryanreynolds

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Christmas 2012 Weigh-In

Oh goodness. What a rocky few weeks it has been.

One piece of advice – if you are trying to lose weight, never try to juggle a newborn, moving into a new house, completing finals (both the ones you are giving AND the ones you are taking), during the holiday season.

I gained.

I didn’t gain as bad as I had feared.

But I gained.

Are those all excuses? Yep. I certainly could have tried harder and accomplished some weight loss goals.

I did not. I’m not dwelling, because it doesn’t impact my worth as a person.

I expected to be in the 380s. Instead, I just got close to the 380s.

December 22, 2012
Weight: 378.0
Change from Highest: -24.8 pounds

I am not a super happy camper about this, but it is what it is, and I cannot change it now. I can only change it moving forward, and that is what I fully intend to do.

I’m (allegedly) going to take a weekly photo after my weigh-in on Saturdays. I’ll admit – I just now decided to do this, so this photo is actually from Christmas night, but I think it might be nice to have a visual record of my changes.

021

(I’m also not as grumpy as I look in that photo, I promise. Still, it’ll be interesting to see if my smile changes as I lose weight, too.)

I also had a little food breakthrough today.

We have a new little one in the house for Christmas, so we’re both establishing new traditions and upholding old ones. Not surprisingly, a lot of the traditions (especially the old ones) revolve around food.

We started some new ones this year that aren’t food related. We’re going to get Moon Pie a lego set, at least one book every Christmas, and one geeky science gift (this year, Periodic table wooden blocks).

009

012

013

I also am going to abolish one old food tradition.

Do you know what little smokies are? They are basically little sausages that are cooked in a mixture of honey, brown sugar, and mustard. If you had asked me three days ago, I would have said they are sinfully delicious.

I made them today.

They were fatty and disgusting. I’m not being all “I only eat healthy food so fatty food is gross.” No, fattening food can be awesome. The sausage gravy I made for breakfast this morning was incredible.

But these… I ate maybe five, and we’re throwing away the rest.

lilsmokies

Even the picture looks gross to me now. Ugh.

I’ve had little smokies at every Christmas for the past twenty years. This tradition is being retired.

Oh, and in blog news, I’ve recently installed Disqus. I’m hoping it’ll make it easier for me to reply to comments and be a better blogger. Please let me know if there are any issues!

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Randomness

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Weigh-Ins
12-31-13 - 412.0
1-3-14 - 407.0 (-5.0 pounds total)