I feel very weird about this post; it’s simultaneously very transparent and very obtuse.
I am tired of being fat. I’ve been fat LITERALLY my entire life. I didn’t gain weight after high school. Well, I did, actually, but I was already fat to begin with. I just got fatter in college.
I’ve lost weight before. I got down to 250, in fact, in my mid-20s. I am currently in the 410s, at least, down from a high of 422 earlier this year.
I’m always looking for the magic bullet, the trick that will end it all.
That trick doesn’t exist.
I read something online this morning that really spoke to me. Basically, it stated that in order to lose weight, don’t worry about losing weight. Fix your eating disorder.
That’s overly simplified, and it’s not that simple, of course. Eating disorders can be dealt with, buried, examined, explored… but I don’t know if they can be fixed.
But regardless, I am going to try.
There have been periods of time here at Stellar Path that I’ve been on fire. They have been few and far between, but that they have happened at all gives me the confidence that if I could do it once, I can do it again.
I am going to blog daily for the next 100 days. I will blog about my day. Stellar Path will be my journal. I’ll talk about my workouts, my food choices (good and bad), and how ridiculously busy I now am as a doctoral student with a full-time job. (Seriously – doctoral work is BUSY. I thought it would be harder, and it is and should be, but I did not count on it being five times harder than my Master’s.)
I’m going to weigh in once a week, on Wednesdays. I’m not going to weigh daily, like I have been, because it makes me obsess. I see the scale drop, and I either celebrate with food, get arrogant and eat food, or think of how I can make it drop even faster. (Note to self: It doesn’t work that way.) And if it goes up, I think, “Eh, screw it,” and I eat whatever.
Food has me in a strong grip. I would love to do OA, but none exist around here, and frankly, the online chat versions of OA didn’t do much for me.
I’ll try and exorcise my demons here. But regardless, I am going to strive to live a healthy life, regardless of what I weigh. I’m not turning Stellar Path into a fat acceptance blog. My thinking is that if I live healthy, regardless of my weight, then losing weight will be a nice side effect.
So why the Ranger project?
This is going to be a chronicle of my journey to becoming a Power Ranger.
I never said I’d stop being a dork. I’m just trying to focus on living a healthy life, no matter what the scale says.