380s

Mowing, Broken Dishes, & a Sore Back

Food

Breakfast – sweet potato (maybe 1/2 cup cooked?), 1 lean sausage patty, 3 slices of bacon, 1 egg

Lunch – spaghetti with Italian chicken sausage, tomato sauce, beet greens, and mozzarella cheese, watermelon

Snack – dark chocolate cherry cashew Kind bar, cereal with milk

Dinner – pork tenderloin, mashed potatoes, corn, pluot

Snack – popcorn, green juice

I feel like I should disclaim my food.  I clearly eat a lot of fat.  In the past, I have lost weight while eating clean yet eating a great amount of (clean) fats.  I plan to continue following this trend.  So long as the food is clean and has no fake ingredients, then I’m not going to worry about fat grams.  So long as I lose roughly two pounds a week, I’ll continue to not worry about it.

I am doing my very best to learn to eat intuitively.  I want to enjoy my food and yet eat without guilt WHILE appropriately restricting myself.  I have read blogs where people no longer enjoy their food.  This whole notion of “food is just fuel” is not for me.  I’m from the South.  Food is celebration, and I plan to celebrate as healthily as I can.  That’s why I allow myself one controlled serving of clean “sweet” per day.  It’s why I still eat wheat.

More than that, I know me, and if I restrict myself in major ways (no sugar, no wheat, no whatever), then I end up binging.  And if you are going to say, “Just don’t binge,” then (respectfully) you clearly have no idea how binging works.  It isn’t a matter of exercising more self-control.  At all.

I’m also not talking about giving up anything, but for foods that don’t make me feel bad (such as sugar in small amounts or wheat), I see no need to restrict PROVIDED I continue to lose weight.  If I show a loss next Saturday, then I’ll continue as is.  If I gain, then I’ll obviously reevaluate and determine what needs to be done.

In learning to eat intuitively, there are times that I feel like I need a little guardian to hang out in my fridge and pantry to slap my wrists when I start eating too much.  After all, even with clean food, you can eat too much, and because it’s clean, it’s even easier for me to justify it and eat too much.

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(For what it’s worth, Goldar now lives in my fridge.)

But that’s precisely the reason why I NEED to learn to eat like this.  I am tired of being at food’s mercy.  I need to be back in control.

Exercise for the day did not work out quite as planned.  I ended up push mowing the yard at my other house (which is soon to sell!  Yay!).  It was in desperate need of mowing, because all it has done here is rain for the past week and I haven’t been able to.  Body Revolution will (hopefully) start tomorrow.  It also didn’t help that my back has been aching.  I have a partially slipped disc in my lower back; I’ve had it for years.  For the most part, it is kind to me and it doesn’t bother me.  Since July 4th (when I unfortunately splurged a little too much), my body has been angry at me.  I suspect today will be the last day.  I certainly hope so.  The pain makes exercising a lot tougher.  And again, the back is another reason why I need to both get the weight off AND increase my flexibility.

Still, I’m just grateful to know that eating clean and living well DOES help.  Hopefully, I’ll remember that the next time I’m facing the choice of poor food.

At dinner, I had made some clean pork gravy.  I was pretty excited about it.  It was made with tapioca starch instead of white flour, and it tasted good.  However, about four seconds before I was going to take it to the kitchen table, my Ninja blender rolled out of the cabinet, shattered the bowl it was in, and gravy went EVERYWHERE.  I was so ticked off.  First of all, I really hate breaking dishes.  I was never fussed at about it as a child, but you would think I had been beaten for the way it makes me feel.  Literally makes me furious.  And worse yet – that bowl was a nice one of a 4-piece set that we had gotten on vacation.  And the gravy was completely wasted.

Lame, but oh well.

After dinner, I cleaned up the kitchen and we watched t.v.  30 Rock, again.  We’re on season seven.  I’m going to miss this show!

I am absolutely starving.  Today is an Empty Day.  That said, I’m listening to Goldar, and I’m done eating for the day!

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Farmer’s Market Trip, Yoga, & Raw Milk

Today is my first-in-a-long-time weigh-in day!

July 6, 2013

Weight: 380.8

Change from All-Time Highest: –22.0 pounds

I am up.  And let me tell you, I am SOOO tempted to get on the scale tomorrow to see if another day of super-lean/clean eating will lower that number.  And while it probably will, I’m not going to.  I am going to show some restraint and not weigh in until next Saturday and see a bigger loss.

Today’s Food

Breakfast – sweet potato, 1 sausage patty, 1 egg, pluot

Lunch – whole wheat spaghetti with tomato sauce and Italian chicken sausage, shredded mozzarella cheese, blueberries and grapes, 1 egg white (because I cooked the egg yolk for Henry)

Snack – 2 clean no bake cookies, glass of raw milk, 3 small squares dark chocolate

Dinner – steak, loaded baked potato, beet greens and onions

Snack – blueberries, pluot

I went to the farmer’s market this morning.  We purchased a raw milk share a few months back, and it has been, hands down, the best “clean eating” thing I have ever done.  I was never a huge milk drinker.  It was always just for cereal or with cookies.  I would never just get a glass of milk to drink by itself.

We have a year round farmer’s market here in Bowling Green, and back in the winter, we saw a sign at one booth we regularly frequented for sirloin that said “Ask About our Herd Share Program.”  And we did.

In the state of Kentucky, it is illegal to buy or sell raw milk.  However, it is NOT illegal to own your own cow and drink milk from it.  So farmers here have instituted herd share, where you buy part of a cow, pay monthly boarding fees (because they are housing, feeding, and caring for our part of the cow), and every week, we get a gallon of raw milk.

It tastes amazing!  I will actually drink a glass of raw milk by itself.  Slightly sweet, thick…. it almost tastes like a less rich, less sweet version of melted ice cream.  Almost.  Really hard to describe, but it’s incredible.

I’ve had organic; I have grass-fed.  But this, raw, pastured, happy cow milk is amazing.   And again, this is coming from a non-milk drinker.  And best yet – we know this farm.  We are financially invested in this farm (via our herd share) and we have visited this farm.  These cows aren’t pumped full of hormones, antibiotics, steroids, or anything else to get milk.  In fact, we know that a risk at this farm is that if their milk supply drops, then we may lose our herd share.  We’re fine with that – we don’t want our milk coming from stressed out cows.  We’re even thinking of picking up an extra share when Henry turns a year old and will require cow’s milk and pasteurizing it ourselves.

I also got eggs, bacon, and beets at the farmer’s market, too.  Not a big haul, but it was an ugly, rainy day.  More on farmer’s market on another Saturday.

Before I headed home, I swung by Kroger to pick up some essentials.  There was a sale, so I picked up a few things that I wouldn’t have otherwise (one of those “buy ten things in this category and save $5” sales.)

We try to eat as clean as possible, but I do make minor exceptions for both what works for my family AND what works for our budget.  The hot dogs you see in the picture are clean in my book but might not be clean to a true clean eater.  That’s okay; I do the best I can.  Fritos are a clean food for our family, and a nice treat.  They contain corn, corn oil, and salt.  I’m sure other people might look at our pantry and shudder, but again… it works for us.  And they are also a treat food.  Same with the candy in the front.  I’ll also point out we didn’t buy a ton of “treat” food, but there is some on hand for when we want it.  (The Justin’s PB Cups in particular are a trigger food for me, so that’s why there is only one, and I’m going to enter a little mental challenge with myself to see how long they will last in our pantry.)

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The cost for this haul was $45.37.  Since I am going to try personal journal-blogging for a while, I’m going to use this blog to keep track of my food finances, too.

Food Expenses for July – $45.37

We are trying to go only once a week, so as to both save money AND not buy junk.

Another note – I consider myself pretty lucky in that, while I love to cook, my wife hates to.  As a result, I’ve pretty much taken over the kitchen, so cooking and grocery shopping are my domain. 

This photo highlights the EXACT reason that I have to get fit and make better choices.

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Whatever we are eating, Henry wants to eat.  You can see spaghetti on his tray, and that his is mom feeding him a bite of her pluot.  He’s obsessed with our food.  While I may be willing to put crap in my body at times, I only want the best for him!  Ergo, we have to eat better so he gets to eat better.

I feel like I made some pretty good food choices today.  I do wish I had only one cookie and no chocolate (or only the chocolate and no cookies, et cetera).  In other words, too many sweets.  Even if they are clean, they’re still sugar.  Still, progress, not perfection, right?  Tomorrow will be a better day, and regardless, today is still a success in my book.

Exercise today was Flow Yoga.  Tina and I decided to start Body Revolution on Sunday, so we’re done with the actual BR workouts on Thursday (and can do whatever we want workout-wise on Friday and Saturday).  I decided yoga was a good pick because I’m really sore, for some reason.  Truth be told – I hate yoga.  I do it when I’m sore, but I know I should do it much more often.  I’d really rather stretch, but if I want to go back into martial arts again (that’s another post for another day), I know I really need to up my flexibility.  I have a LONG way to go.

The rest of the night consisted of relaxing with a baby who is trying his best to climb atop our hearth (which is made of brick) and watching 30 Rock.  Good times.

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Atelophobia

This is the rawest, truest post I’ve ever written. Be warned.

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I keep things positive here, mostly, but it’s usually not hard. I’m a positive person. It’s my natural inclination. I am, without trying, a rosey-glasses/half-glass-full optimist. But as this post proves, I have my days. And weeks.

I don’t suffer from depression. I’ve read posts from people who do, and I’m thankful that I do not have that cross to bear.

I do suffer from ED. (Eating disorder, not erectile dysfunction.) Specifically, I am a binge eater. I have been for decades. I thought I had it beat.

I was wrong.

This is a hard blog post for me to write. I’ve started this post several times over the last several weeks, and I haven’t been able to finish. But I have to.

It’s not that writing the blog post is that important. I have maybe five readers. It’s that I have to get this out. I could just as easily write this on a sheet of paper and burn it. I need the catharsis.

I’m a failure.

Not even a month ago, on April 24th, I wrote that I weighed 362.0 pounds, but I was going to get on track! I’m going to do this! For my wife and baby!

And I haven’t. That means I have failed. For them.

My weight is up. Way up. I’ve been mildly binging.

No, it’s not the days of six Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on the commute home from school, but it’s still bad. Whether I’m gorging myself to feel something or simply eating food to delay the inevitable, it’s binging and it’s dangerous.

We just got back from vacation. I weighed myself this morning.

387.4.

My highest weight ever was 402.8. My lowest weight ever (as an adult) was 249.0.

Wow. That’s all I can say about that at the moment.

I’ve done enough therapy work (both on myself and with others) to know that, for me to stop this, I had to know why. For the past two years, I haven’t really known. And then, while mowing the yard yesterday, it hit me.

I suspect that losing weight won’t make my life perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong – my life is pretty awesome. Love my wife, love my son, love my career… But even yet… I still expect things to get better. I expect a better sex life (TMI, but true), I honestly expect my career in academia to get better, and I expect to become a personal trainer (side business) with a booming clientele.

And what if I lose weight, all the way down to goal weight, and that doesn’t happen? Then I’ve failed.

It’s the same thing that kept me fat pre-Tina. I was fat because it kept me from dealing with the ramifications of being alone and unloved. Well, with the help of a therapist and friend, I got past that issue, met Tina, and I started my family. So that excuse is gone. And I’ve gone off and manufactured another one.

So what if I’m not good enough?

What if I had my exact life, right now, except I was at a healthy weight? If that, then I would be one of the luckiest people in the world.

I’m not going to try. I know words are cheap, but when you hit rock bottom (again), well… nowhere to go but up, right?

I was tempted to delete this blog, get a new address, and start over. But I’m not. I’m still on my Stellar Path. I just sat in the gutter beside it for a while. I’m back on.

I need a game plan. It’s early on Saturday morning. My family is still asleep. I’m about to shower, go into Weight Watchers, and weigh in. I’ll face the scale – even if I’m not going to like what it says.

I will do this. In the past, I would have included a picture of little guy and said I’m going to do it for him. And while that’s true, he’s not the #1 reason I’m doing this.

This guy is.

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12-31-13 - 412.0
1-3-14 - 407.0 (-5.0 pounds total)