My last blog post was pretty direct. I’ve felt like a failure. Sometimes, I still do.
Isn’t one definition of insanity “doing the same thing and expecting different results?” Well, I’ve certainly done that before.
I’m doing better.
I’m eating much cleaner. I’ve found that soda is no longer appealing. Sometimes I still crave it, but I just remind myself of the horrible bloated feeling I had last time I drank a Sprite, so I just drink water. (I haven’t touched artificial sweeteners in over a year, which, weight-loss issues aside, is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My joints thank me for it.)
I’m down 9.8 pounds in a little over three weeks. I think that’s pretty decent.
All that said, words are cheap. I find I don’t have much to say until I’m clearly walking the walk, and three weeks of eating right is not enough.
I miss blogging, though.
Blogging is not a job for me; I do have advertisements on the blog, but that is literally just an attempt to recoup my hosting costs. (Most months, I make less than a $1 in ad revenue, so I’m not even getting close to making my money back. However, I have stellarpath.net for more reasons than just this blog, so I remain self-hosted instead of going the free blogger route.)
I’ve been trying to decide what to blog about until I get my weight loss mojo back. I don’t want to be a “weight loss blogger” who keeps losing the same few pounds over and over. That’s just embarrassing.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to do, and quite frankly, a lot of it is some mental work. I still have fat people issues. I’ve read several good books over the past few years that give advice, but I haven’t taken as much action as I could.
So today, I’m going to start doing that. Some things I’ll leave off because they are too personal, but for those that I feel comfortable sharing, I will share.
I am writing my List of Advantages. This is, quite literally, a list of things that will be BETTER once I have lost weight.
This isn’t just a list that I write once and forget. I am writing them in three places. One, they are going here, on the blog. Two, they are going in my Weight Loss Journal (more on that later). And three, they’ll be going on a small card in my wallet that I must pull out and read at least twice a day.
And one last reminder – this is MY list. The things on this list may or may not apply to you. And be warned – this may be more blunt than you are used to from me.
1. I will look better.
I will never be a fat acceptance blogger. I do agree that everyone should love themselves at whatever size they are, but I am in the 370s. I am super morbidly obese. I am NOT going to accept that, and even if I am not a fitness model when I get to goal weight, I’ll still look better there than I do now.
2. I will be healthier.
Quite frankly, I don’t even think I agree that you can be obese and healthy. Healthier, sure. There’s always a worse case of health no matter what your size, but in my opinion, obesity and healthy do not go together. However healthy I can be at 370, it is clearly a mere shade of the health I can have at 180.
3. I will look good in a tucked-in shirt.
I dread getting dressed up for this reason – I hate tucking in a shirt. It is uncomfortable and does not look good on a big belly. With no belly, this wouldn’t be an issue.
4. I will not sweat as much.
Sweat may be genetic, and I may sweat more than the average person at 180, but right now, I’m wearing a 190 pound fat suit. That thing is hot.
5. I will be around to take care of my son.
I recently heard the term Death Fat, and I’m clearly it. I was denied life insurance coverage earlier because I am too fat. My son deserves a father to live as long as possible for him, and more than that, he deserves a father who can be active WITH him, not merely sitting around as set dressing.
6. I will feel like I am in control of my life.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think I’m wildly out of control now. But the fact remains, food still controls me. If it didn’t, I would have gained 20 plus pounds this year. I want to be the one in charge, not fast food, junk food, or even healthy food in excess quantities.
7. I’ll be secure taking my shirt off in public.
This one may require skin removal surgery, too, but I know that’s in my future. Regardless, I don’t take my shirt off in public. I avoid situations where I would need to, and if I’m in a place where it is culturally acceptable to do so, I simply don’t. It will be nice to go to the beach, take off my shirt, and not think about sticking out like a sore, fat thumb.
8. I won’t be as self-concious.
See many of the above. I’m extremely aware of my weight, my size, and my limitations. It will be nice not to have to worry about those things anymore. I know losing weight isn’t a quick fix, but it’s still part of the solution.
9. My entire body will feel better.
I already feel TONS better from giving up artificial sweeteners. My knees, hips, and back used to ache horrible. I gave them up (and after a horrible three month detox), they’ve stopped hurting. That said, my feet still ache sometimes. My body is carrying an extra 190 pounds it is not meant to carry. Losing that weight will literally lighten the load.
10. I will be able to consistently clothing shop in stores.
Sometimes, I luck out. I’ve bought shirts off the rack at Kohl’s and J.C. Penney and been excited that they fit. However, that’s the exception. It will be nice to consistently find clothing in my size; to go in a store and KNOW that they’ll have my shirt on the rack. I even suspect I might like buying clothes if it wasn’t such an all-encompassing ordeal.
11. I will be a better martial artist.
I don’t mention this very often, mostly because I’m a little embarrassed, but I actually have a senior 1st degree black belt in Taekwondo. I got it about five years ago, not eons ago as a little kid. I haven’t been to class in a long time, and I don’t think I’ll be going back until I’ve gotten rid of some of this extra fat. I would be embarrassed to put on my dobok and be a fat black belt. And yet… I can’t wait to do it again!
12. I will be able to run.
I may find that running sucks. And for this one, I at least don’t have to wait until I get to goal weight, but I am waiting until some of the mass is gone before I start pounding the pavement. I don’t want to risk doing irreversible harm (I’ve heard of people blowing out joints and vertebrae from running while obese). And yet… someday… running may not just as easy as taking a walk.
Hmm… I need to kick it into a higher gear if I have any chance of winning Roni’s Diet Bet!
January 5, 2013
Change from Last Week: -1.0
Change from Highest: -26.6 pounds
Still rocking the Green Ranger shirt. I have 6.2 pounds to go before I get a new dork shirt to wear to weigh-in, and I’ve already bought it from ShirtPunch.
So, I lost a pound. Down, admittedly, but not as much as I’d want.
I definitely need to up my exercise. That will help. I’ve now doing Jillian’s 30 Day Shred, and I feel confident that will help me lose a bit more. Tina is doing C25K, and even though I’m not comfortable hitting the pavement at my weight, I’m doing my own modified version in the house. (Rather than jog, I’m basically doing stairs for the jogging portion. It’s definitely getting my heart rate up, which is going to increase my leg strength and my cardio endurance for when I am light enough to be able to run.)
One thing I am doing differently this week is pre-tracking my food. Every night, I go to WeightWatchers.com and enter what I suspect I’ll eat the next day. (I’m a little OCD about planning dinner, so that’s already decided. I just have to decide what I’ll have for lunch and dinner.) I purposefully leave some of my points unaccounted for, because I know I may not eat exactly what I’ve got planned. I’m obviously allowed to deviate. In fact, I did that today. I was supposed to eat oatmeal, but instead, I chose to eat a ham and cheese sandwich.
Right now, it is helping me because I know how much food I planned to eat, and if I’m eating off of my meals, I know how much of a cushion I have. That also helps me decide if I need to eat it or not.
Just last night, I thought I would have a green smoothie before bed. This is obviously a healthy food, and I even had the points for it. However, before I started pulling the ingredients out, I objectively assessed my hunger. I wasn’t hungry; I’d rather not use those points than just eat them because they were there.
I want a bigger loss next week. A pound is nice. Two is better.
I got a letter in the mail last week.
It was a small envelope, so I immediately knew what it was. I was hoping for a thick packet, but this was just a simple #10 business envelope. Without even opening it, I knew what it said.
It wasn’t a rejection letter from a writing submission. I get those all the time. I’m used to those. (In fact, the real rejection in writing comes from not receiving a rejection letter, but that is another story for another day.)
No, this was from SunLife Insurance.
I have never had any Life Insurance other than what my employer gives me automatically. I think it’s $25,000.
When my son was born, I knew I had to take out an insurance policy on myself. After all, if something happens to me, I want to make sure he is cared for. When annual open enrollment at my workplace came around, I signed up for $200,000 worth of life insurance. It was going to cost me $11 a month. Sounded like a good deal.
I thought that was the end of it. I expected it to be a simple process like signing up for medical insurance when you started a job. You just get it. The end.
And I thought that, until about two days before school let out for Christmas break. I got an email from HR that said I needed to fill out a form. Standard; everyone who takes out life insurance has to fill out such a form.
Still, I was not panicked.
Until I opened the form. It was extremely short.
Name. Social. Birthdate. Do I smoke or drink? Height. Weight.
April 19, 1978.
I never smoke, never have. I virtually never drink (maybe twice per year).
Six feet tall.
I didn’t lie. I sure thought about shaving one hundred pounds off that number, but what if I had to actually take a medical exam? The form even stated that all information must be accurate and may be checked for veracity. So, I entered the information and hit submit.
I was hopeful. I hoped that it was just a formality. Enter your info and get life insurance! Take care of your family after you die!
But nope. Not for me. That thin letter said I could not take care of my family after I die. If I die, Tina and Moon Pie get nothing but burial expenses.
I was rejected.
No life insurance policy.
And truthfully, I understand why, and it scares me.
I am a death risk. The chances of me dying are far too high in the next year.
This is unacceptable.
I refuse to be a death risk any longer.
All year, I am going to hit my weight loss as hard as I can. I will count points. I will watch what I eat. I will limit unclean foods. I will move my body. I will put on muscle and lose fat.
I will not die.
Next November, I will sign up for life insurance again.
I will be approved this time.
Before I brag on myself too much, let me say that I am still carrying extra weight from the move. When Tina and I bought a new house to move into over the holiday seasons AND caring for an infant, well… let’s just say that a LOT of meals consisted of running through the drive-thru. My eating and exercise habits went out the window.
So I’m still battling that.
But, I weighed in on Saturday, December 22nd, before Christmas, at 378 pounds.
I did take a few days off for Christmas. I won’t lie. I’ll do it probably every year. But after Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I got back on track. So how did I fare Saturday morning, December 29th, at Weight Watchers?
December 29, 2012
Change from Last Week: -0.8 pounds
Change from Highest: -25.6 pounds
Woo hoo! I will happily take that! I lost 0.8 pounds OVER Christmas week. I can’t even tell you how excited I am about that!
I even rocked my new Power Ranger t-shirt to my weigh-in this morning. This shirt is going to be my weigh-in shirt for a few weeks. I have decided that I am going to wear this shirt until I am out of the 370s, and then, I’ll select a new dorky shirt to wear for the 360s. And again the same for the 350s, all the way down ’til goal weight.
And yes, it’s the Green Ranger, and I am definitely partial to the Blue Ranger, but this is the only design this shirt comes in. The second they make it in other Ranger colors is the second I own them all.
And as ordered by Josie , I am smiling this week!
My wife and I have an agreement. We’re going to use our weight loss efforts to motivate and reward each other. She’s ready to get rid of her pregnancy weight and get down to her ideal weight.
Every time I lose ten pounds, I get a reward. For my first ten pound loss, I’m choosing Hatchet and Hatchet II on Blu-Ray. (Remember, I’m a huge horror movie fan.)
Every time Tina loses eight pounds, she gets a reward. I think she’s planning on adding charms to her Pandora charm bracelet.
Here’s the catch. We must BOTH reach our goal. So if I lose ten but she only loses six, I don’t get my reward until she’s reached eight. If I lose six and she loses eight, she has to wait until I hit ten pounds lost.
This way, we plan to keep each other motivated, because her success is crucial to my reward, too.
Of course, the most important reward is that we get to be healthier and live longer, and now that we are parents, this little guy needs us.