Archive for June 2013
My last blog post was pretty direct. I’ve felt like a failure. Sometimes, I still do.
Isn’t one definition of insanity “doing the same thing and expecting different results?” Well, I’ve certainly done that before.
I’m doing better.
I’m eating much cleaner. I’ve found that soda is no longer appealing. Sometimes I still crave it, but I just remind myself of the horrible bloated feeling I had last time I drank a Sprite, so I just drink water. (I haven’t touched artificial sweeteners in over a year, which, weight-loss issues aside, is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My joints thank me for it.)
I’m down 9.8 pounds in a little over three weeks. I think that’s pretty decent.
All that said, words are cheap. I find I don’t have much to say until I’m clearly walking the walk, and three weeks of eating right is not enough.
I miss blogging, though.
Blogging is not a job for me; I do have advertisements on the blog, but that is literally just an attempt to recoup my hosting costs. (Most months, I make less than a $1 in ad revenue, so I’m not even getting close to making my money back. However, I have stellarpath.net for more reasons than just this blog, so I remain self-hosted instead of going the free blogger route.)
I’ve been trying to decide what to blog about until I get my weight loss mojo back. I don’t want to be a “weight loss blogger” who keeps losing the same few pounds over and over. That’s just embarrassing.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to do, and quite frankly, a lot of it is some mental work. I still have fat people issues. I’ve read several good books over the past few years that give advice, but I haven’t taken as much action as I could.
So today, I’m going to start doing that. Some things I’ll leave off because they are too personal, but for those that I feel comfortable sharing, I will share.
I am writing my List of Advantages. This is, quite literally, a list of things that will be BETTER once I have lost weight.
This isn’t just a list that I write once and forget. I am writing them in three places. One, they are going here, on the blog. Two, they are going in my Weight Loss Journal (more on that later). And three, they’ll be going on a small card in my wallet that I must pull out and read at least twice a day.
And one last reminder – this is MY list. The things on this list may or may not apply to you. And be warned – this may be more blunt than you are used to from me.
1. I will look better.
I will never be a fat acceptance blogger. I do agree that everyone should love themselves at whatever size they are, but I am in the 370s. I am super morbidly obese. I am NOT going to accept that, and even if I am not a fitness model when I get to goal weight, I’ll still look better there than I do now.
2. I will be healthier.
Quite frankly, I don’t even think I agree that you can be obese and healthy. Healthier, sure. There’s always a worse case of health no matter what your size, but in my opinion, obesity and healthy do not go together. However healthy I can be at 370, it is clearly a mere shade of the health I can have at 180.
3. I will look good in a tucked-in shirt.
I dread getting dressed up for this reason – I hate tucking in a shirt. It is uncomfortable and does not look good on a big belly. With no belly, this wouldn’t be an issue.
4. I will not sweat as much.
Sweat may be genetic, and I may sweat more than the average person at 180, but right now, I’m wearing a 190 pound fat suit. That thing is hot.
5. I will be around to take care of my son.
I recently heard the term Death Fat, and I’m clearly it. I was denied life insurance coverage earlier because I am too fat. My son deserves a father to live as long as possible for him, and more than that, he deserves a father who can be active WITH him, not merely sitting around as set dressing.
6. I will feel like I am in control of my life.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think I’m wildly out of control now. But the fact remains, food still controls me. If it didn’t, I would have gained 20 plus pounds this year. I want to be the one in charge, not fast food, junk food, or even healthy food in excess quantities.
7. I’ll be secure taking my shirt off in public.
This one may require skin removal surgery, too, but I know that’s in my future. Regardless, I don’t take my shirt off in public. I avoid situations where I would need to, and if I’m in a place where it is culturally acceptable to do so, I simply don’t. It will be nice to go to the beach, take off my shirt, and not think about sticking out like a sore, fat thumb.
8. I won’t be as self-concious.
See many of the above. I’m extremely aware of my weight, my size, and my limitations. It will be nice not to have to worry about those things anymore. I know losing weight isn’t a quick fix, but it’s still part of the solution.
9. My entire body will feel better.
I already feel TONS better from giving up artificial sweeteners. My knees, hips, and back used to ache horrible. I gave them up (and after a horrible three month detox), they’ve stopped hurting. That said, my feet still ache sometimes. My body is carrying an extra 190 pounds it is not meant to carry. Losing that weight will literally lighten the load.
10. I will be able to consistently clothing shop in stores.
Sometimes, I luck out. I’ve bought shirts off the rack at Kohl’s and J.C. Penney and been excited that they fit. However, that’s the exception. It will be nice to consistently find clothing in my size; to go in a store and KNOW that they’ll have my shirt on the rack. I even suspect I might like buying clothes if it wasn’t such an all-encompassing ordeal.
11. I will be a better martial artist.
I don’t mention this very often, mostly because I’m a little embarrassed, but I actually have a senior 1st degree black belt in Taekwondo. I got it about five years ago, not eons ago as a little kid. I haven’t been to class in a long time, and I don’t think I’ll be going back until I’ve gotten rid of some of this extra fat. I would be embarrassed to put on my dobok and be a fat black belt. And yet… I can’t wait to do it again!
12. I will be able to run.
I may find that running sucks. And for this one, I at least don’t have to wait until I get to goal weight, but I am waiting until some of the mass is gone before I start pounding the pavement. I don’t want to risk doing irreversible harm (I’ve heard of people blowing out joints and vertebrae from running while obese). And yet… someday… running may not just as easy as taking a walk.