February 29, 2016

Dear 33-year-old Jeremy in 2012,

So, yeah, the future is pretty awesome. Apparently they’ve invented a device that lets us send letters back in time, because… well, here we are. And that’s not all that is awesome about the future.

Okay, let me give you a real quick recap on your next four years (my past four years) just so you know what happens before it happens.

In 2015, phones are back to being normal phone shape again with actual buttons and everything. Best yet, they only make phone calls, and all ring tones actually sound like a telephone ringing. Of course, most people now have internet-capable devices implanted on the back of our eyelids, which really led to the elimination of the Smart Phone. They say it’s only horribly painful for the first three months. Of course, the only thing left on the internet is pictures of cats, so I’d hold off on the internet implants, if I were you.

In 2014, that whole genetic engineering thing got a little scary, but other than the four months you (and the rest of the south-central US) have to spend in a bunker hiding from the Flying Scorpion Wasp Badgers, it was a pretty cool year. And for the love of God, don’t forget to take some books with you!

2013 was a pretty boring year, really. Well, okay, there were a few things that happened. There was the gerbil uprising, but thank God for the hamsters and guinea pigs. The hamsters and guinea pigs really saved the day. You don’t know what true terror is until you wake up and see several dozen cybernetically enhanced gerbils trying to build a flaming catapult in your front yard. But again, hamsters and guinea pigs to the rescue. (By the way, you’d be well-served to get a few hamster pets now. Start making friends with those furry little rodents. Not joking. They like to chew on toilet paper rolls, and it would probably be useful to give them some toothpicks to begin making rudimentary weapons for their war against the gerbils.)

2012 was a great year. You finally figure out what’s wrong with your diet. Your weigh-in on March 1, 2012 is awful, but it doesn’t crush you. It motivates you to examine yourself, your diet, and your goals, and you figure it out.

The weight comes off, slowly and steadily. Your cardio endurance increases. Your strength grows. Your entire body and life become healthier.

In 2016, you are fit, you are healthy, and things are great. I want you to know that it gets better, and even though losing weight isn’t a cure-all, it’s pretty freaking awesome.

And besides, you really need to increase your cardio endurance and upper body strength for the gerbil uprising. You wouldn’t think tiny little rodents would be so vicious, but… well, just be ready to run a lot.

Best,
Future Jeremy

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