Atelophobia
This is the rawest, truest post I’ve ever written. Be warned.
I keep things positive here, mostly, but it’s usually not hard. I’m a positive person. It’s my natural inclination. I am, without trying, a rosey-glasses/half-glass-full optimist. But as this post proves, I have my days. And weeks.
I don’t suffer from depression. I’ve read posts from people who do, and I’m thankful that I do not have that cross to bear.
I do suffer from ED. (Eating disorder, not erectile dysfunction.) Specifically, I am a binge eater. I have been for decades. I thought I had it beat.
I was wrong.
This is a hard blog post for me to write. I’ve started this post several times over the last several weeks, and I haven’t been able to finish. But I have to.
It’s not that writing the blog post is that important. I have maybe five readers. It’s that I have to get this out. I could just as easily write this on a sheet of paper and burn it. I need the catharsis.
I’m a failure.
Not even a month ago, on April 24th, I wrote that I weighed 362.0 pounds, but I was going to get on track! I’m going to do this! For my wife and baby!
And I haven’t. That means I have failed. For them.
My weight is up. Way up. I’ve been mildly binging.
No, it’s not the days of six Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on the commute home from school, but it’s still bad. Whether I’m gorging myself to feel something or simply eating food to delay the inevitable, it’s binging and it’s dangerous.
We just got back from vacation. I weighed myself this morning.
387.4.
My highest weight ever was 402.8. My lowest weight ever (as an adult) was 249.0.
Wow. That’s all I can say about that at the moment.
I’ve done enough therapy work (both on myself and with others) to know that, for me to stop this, I had to know why. For the past two years, I haven’t really known. And then, while mowing the yard yesterday, it hit me.
I suspect that losing weight won’t make my life perfect.
Now don’t get me wrong – my life is pretty awesome. Love my wife, love my son, love my career… But even yet… I still expect things to get better. I expect a better sex life (TMI, but true), I honestly expect my career in academia to get better, and I expect to become a personal trainer (side business) with a booming clientele.
And what if I lose weight, all the way down to goal weight, and that doesn’t happen? Then I’ve failed.
It’s the same thing that kept me fat pre-Tina. I was fat because it kept me from dealing with the ramifications of being alone and unloved. Well, with the help of a therapist and friend, I got past that issue, met Tina, and I started my family. So that excuse is gone. And I’ve gone off and manufactured another one.
So what if I’m not good enough?
What if I had my exact life, right now, except I was at a healthy weight? If that, then I would be one of the luckiest people in the world.
I’m not going to try. I know words are cheap, but when you hit rock bottom (again), well… nowhere to go but up, right?
I was tempted to delete this blog, get a new address, and start over. But I’m not. I’m still on my Stellar Path. I just sat in the gutter beside it for a while. I’m back on.
I need a game plan. It’s early on Saturday morning. My family is still asleep. I’m about to shower, go into Weight Watchers, and weigh in. I’ll face the scale – even if I’m not going to like what it says.
I will do this. In the past, I would have included a picture of little guy and said I’m going to do it for him. And while that’s true, he’s not the #1 reason I’m doing this.
This guy is.
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Day by Day #001, April 23rd
It took me a while, but I’m on track.
Not gonna lie. I’ve been struggling. I always feel the need to say, “with my eating” and “not my life,” because my life is awesome. Great wife, awesome kid, good house, wonderful job. Life is great.
My eating plan… Meh. It comes and goes.
On a bad day, this is what my day looks like.
Breakfast is healthy! Off to a great start!
Lunch is also healthy (because I packed it at home)! Still doing good.
Long day of teaching. Tired.
Forgot to thaw out something for dinner. Eh, let’s hit the drive-thru. Tomorrow will be better.
I have to stop this, for so many reasons. One, my wife is trying to lose weight, too, and I am clearly her stumbling block. Two, I want to be a personal trainer. No one is hiring a fat personal trainer. And three… this little guy. I don’t want him to have a fat daddy.
But words are cheap. I’ve spun them before, and I’ve continued making slow progress.
My weight yesterday? 362.0.
Up a bit. Still down from the first of the year, but up from my lowest in the 350s.
I tracked my food yesterday. I only ate four meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a small after-work pre-workout snack). I exercised, albeit lightly. (Just a walk – I’m doing more tonight.)
All of this was clean. No chemicals, just real food.
Breakfast – lean sausage, 1 slice of bacon, 2 eggs, homemade hash browns
Lunch – ground turkey taco meat, quinoa, cheese, sour cream, salsa, baked potato, 3 clementines, baby carrots & zima tomatoes with hummus
After-work snack – cereal with milk
Dinner – ground turkey meatloaf, sweet potato fries, 1 clean cookie with raw milk
I also drank a crap ton of water. Seriously. Plant Nanny says I need to drink 233 ounces a day. So I did. I will be lowering my Plant Nanny requirements. That was so much water, I felt like crap. I’m going to drink for thirst and shoot for roughly a gallon a day. Ish. Ugh, I was too bloated last night. And I peed roughly eighteen times between ten p.m. and six a.m.
For the next week, I am posting every day, my food, weight, and exercise.
After all, I can’t look like Ryan Reynolds if I don’t put in the work.
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36 Things Before 36
It’s my birthday, y’all!
You know how some people are all depressive about it and hope someone mentions it’s their birthday?
Not me! It’s my birthday!
I am 35 today.
As I figure it, I’m roughly one third of the way finished. (Seriously – I’ve had three close relatives live to be over 100 years old, and they died back in the 1980s. Given today’s medical technology, 105 should be a piece of cake.)
Last year, I posted a list of 35 Things to Do Before I Turned 35. I think I did roughly… one and a half of them.
Regardless, I’m making a new list. It’s like New Year’s Resolutions, but specifically for me. After all, this is MY New Year. These are all things I want to accomplish before I turn 36.
1. Get down to 350 pounds.
2. Get down to 340 pounds.
3. Get down to 330 pounds.
4. Get down to 320 pounds
5. Get down to 310 pounds.
6. Get down to 300 pounds.
7. Get down to 290 pounds.
8. Get down to 280 pounds.
9. Get down to 270 pounds.
10. Get down to 260 pounds.
11. Get down to 250 pounds.
I initially thought about making this one goal (get down to 250), which IS achievable in a year. However, I’d rather have small milestones to celebrate all year, and ten pounds at a time is a GREAT way to do it!
12. Read 36 books to help make me a better person.
I’m a literacy teacher. I read all the time; I want to read books specifically to help me become a better person. Self-help, weight loss issues, personal success, personal finance, et cetera.
13. Read the entire New Testament.
I’ve read the Bible before. It was a powerful experience. I am a Christian, and I think every Christian should regularly read our most holy book. I’m ashamed to say I’ve only read it once. I think the Old Testament is important as history, but I want to read the New Testament this year. This is very doable. Part of the reason I want to read the Bible is because it brings me closer to the Lord, but not necessarily in the way that most people would suspect. The Bible is a shocking book, and I’m often amazed by how little people who quote it truly understand it. I don’t thump the Bible at people, ever, but I’d certainly like to understand it more.
14. Find a church to join.
My wife and I still haven’t found a church home. I want us to make more of an effort to make this a priority this year.
15. Finish my second Master’s degree.
I work in academia, so I get free tuition. (Greatest job perk ever.) I’m finishing up my 2nd Master’s Degree. The first is in Secondary Ed (funny, because I teach college, not high school). This one is in Educational Technology.
16. Start my doctorate.
See free tuition referenced above. I’m graduating in December, and I want to start my Ed.D. (assuming I am accepted) in post-secondary leadership in Spring 2014.
17. Finish my novel AND look for an agent.
I claim I want to be a writer, but I don’t write as much as I’d like to. I’m going to remedy that.
18. Cross another state off of my Visit All 50 States List.
19. Cross another national park off of my Visit All 58 National Parks List.
20. Take Moon Pie to the beach.
These three are kind of gimmes, but I need those. We’re going to South Carolina, and two of our stops will be Congaree National Park and the beach. I’ve never been to SC (last state on the Atlantic coast I haven’t visited).
21. Walk a 5K.
22. Run a 5K.
23. Complete the Glow in the Night 5K.
These two will nicely align with my desire to live a healthier lifestyle to be a good influence for Moon Pie. The running one will be a while, as I’m not even going to try running until I am below 300 pounds. Oh, and #23 is sort of a gimme as well. We’re already registered for it in a few weeks. We just need to GO.
24. Research our family tree.
25. Attend the Highland Games.
These two are sort-of aligned. My family is primarily Cherokee and Irish, with a few other ethnicities thrown in for good measure. My wife is largely Scottish and, in her own words, country bumpkin. We’d like to know more, especially know that we have a child of our own. And since she has so much Scottish heritage, we want to discover her family’s tartan. (You are supposed to wear a tartan you have a genetic link to. The Logsdons are Irish and Cherokee, but I’m hoping a little digging may reveal some Scottish ancestry, because I’d love to have my own! Regardless, I’ve already promised her that I’ll wear our tartan as a kilt to a black tie event after I’ve reached goal weight.)
She grew up in Glasgow, Kentucky, and every year, they host the Highland Games, a celebration of everything Scottish. We are going this year. They always have booths where you can look up your family’s tartan
26. Maintain a dream journal.
I’ve always wanted to be a lucid dreamer. Step one is journal your dreams. I need to do this.
27. Get my 501(c)(3) established.
I’ve always wanted to establish a charity. Thanks to a class I am taking this semester, the process is already underway!
28. Visit one touristy-place in Kentucky (that I have never been to) for a day trip.
Vacations don’t have to be big, expensive events. I want to visit somewhere near me that I’ve never been to before for a little one-day vacation!
29. Send out Christmas cards again.
We actually did this last year! I want to do it again this year.
30. Watch every episode of Power Rangers from Mighty Morphin to Lost Galaxy.
I have a reason for this one; I’ll explain it in the upcoming days.
31. Regularly record vlogs about my weight loss journey.
I’m not going to define regularly, so as to not set myself up for failure, but I want to vlog more. Not necessarily the funny versions I try to do periodically, but just a video record of me and my journey.
32. Donate blood four times.
I used to donate blood regularly. I got out of the habit. I’m not bothered by needles, so why not?
33. Pay off one of our student loans entirely.
Even though tuition is now free, it wasn’t always. We have some pretty substantial student loans. I want to get at least one of them knocked out.
34. Establish a nice little Plant Nanny garden.
This one should be easy, but I do want to drink more water, too!
35. Beat Super Mario Galaxy 2.
I got it for Christmas last year. I haven’t even opened it. Nice easy goal, right?
36. Write a hand-written letter to ten authors who have impacted me.
I love words; I love writing. I want to be an author, and this is in no small part due to a number of authors who have inspired me. I want to send them a thank you letter, of sorts. (I would write to Harper Lee, but she doesn’t ever want to talk about To Kill a Mockingbird, so I can’t imagine her letter would be well-received, assuming I even knew where to send it.)
So, that’s what I am proposing to do for the next year!
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Thoughts for Boston
I said I was going to do a photo post of my food today.
After the events at the Boston Marathon yesterday, anything here other than sympathies feels wrong, somehow.
I had a friend from elementary school who (along with her husband) was in the race. I’ll admit to feeling very relieved when I found out her time was 3:49 which meant she should have been well past the explosion (Which occured at 4:09). She and her family are fine.
Last night, I was holding my baby boy (seven months old, almost) when I heard that one of the victims was an eight year old boy.
The thought that just eight years ago, that little boy’s mother was holding him and loving him and wishing him a future of success and love… And now, thanks to the actions of one (or more) despicable human beings, he’s gone. He isn’t with us anymore.
I honestly don’t know how parents survive that.
I’m praying for the people of Boston and the world today. We all need it.
And the truth of the matter is… we’ll move on. We always do. Things will be back to normal even tomorrow.
I don’t have anywhere in particular I’m going with this. I just really hate this planet, sometimes.
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Race 1/49 – Lifeskills Run for Autism
This past Saturday, April 11th, we did our first of 49 athletic events!
A little backstory first…
My wife works for the WKU Kelly Autism Program. As you can infer from the program name, it is a program designed to provide assistance and support for individuals with autism and Asperger’s. The program she works for recently held a 4 Mile Run and 1 Mile Walk to fundraise for their services.
Since she works for the program, we had to be there bright and early to help. Obviously, Moon Pie had to come, too.
The turnout was pretty impressive. I was especially impressed by this young woman. I am afraid I can’t remember her name right now, but she has autism (and in fact, did not even speak until she was five years old). She sang the National Anthem before the start of the race.
Wow. That’s all I can say.
As I said in my last blog post, I am going to wear a different dork shirt to each race. For this race, I am wearing my Garbage Pail Kid Adam Bomb shirt!
This will also be the first shirt in my dork quilt.
Tina and I were doing the walk instead of the run, which means I was allowed to be slightly obnoxious and take pictures as we went. (I promise – I didn’t stop walking. I snapped as I walked.)
We pushed little guy in his stroller. He was pretty much zonked out by the time we were done.
It was a nice, easy way to start our recommitment to a physically healthy life. And it was fun – this is only the third “race” I’ve been involved with. I definitely understand how people get hooked on this!
We’ve already signed up for our second “race.” It’s on April 27th!
Miles: 1 mile
Comments on Dork Shirt: 1
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